Wonderings & Wisdom-Victory!

I’m a hot mess. An anxious, fearful hot mess.

Don’t get yourself all bothered. I’m certainly not!

This isn’t negative self talk.

It’s a statement of fact,

I’ve always been a hot mess. Since I was a child.

Born a highly sensitive person to two highly dysfunctional people it’s no real surprise.

The surprise is that I’m high functioning, self-aware hot mess and ya know most days…I’m kicking ass at life.

If you`re a hot mess too, struggling with your hot messiness take comfort in knowing that you can live a pretty decent life. You can learn new tricks(or coping skills as the professionals call ’em) and you can get yourself to a place where you feel pride and love for yourself. Even if only for a moment or two.

Moments turn into minutes. Minutes into hours, hours into days…days into weeks…you see what I`m saying!?

I had a victory the other day Id like to share with you.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and an article about marriage triggered fear in me. It was something about how couples should check in with one another every once in a while to see if the other still wanted to continue being married. Was everything going well? Were there any concerns? All that good stuff.

Good, sound, solid advice. Right? I even agree with it. It’s a smart idea.

Ha! Tell that to my reptile brain who screamed “NOOOOOO!!!!! Marriage is forever. YOU fucking promised! There is no way in HELL I’m asking my husband, with our past failures and hurts, if he wants to stay married to me. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!” Off I go screaming into the night. In my head, anyway.

In real life, I label the fear. Then settle in to see what comes up.

Fear of abandonment, failure, betrayal et al? Check! I’ve still got ’em.

Disregard of the impermanent nature of all things? Check. Still fighting against that truth.

Then it hits me. Who gives a shit what he thinks?

No really. I don’t mean that rudely. Clearly, I do give all the shit about what he thinks!

I mean…I’m not him. I’m me. I’m living life through my eyes, thoughts,feelings and experiences. Not his! I’m in me. Not him.

I’m in charge of MY life…not his.

The question I really should be asking is:

Do I want to stay married to him?

I should be doing check ins with my own damn self!

Right?!

Can I get a round of applause ladies and gentlemen?!

Yes, I’m patting myself heartedly on the back!

And you should too when you have some marvellous realization of your own.

We SHOULD be getting our encouragement, love and validation from ourselves. It’s nice to have it from other people but as I found out…other people change…other people leave…other people have their own shit to take care of…looking for love and validation from them robs you of your freedom and takes you out of your own life. You will always be searching for love and acceptance from outside sources, and it will never satisfy you because you will never get what you need. Love from you to you. Love yourself first!

Every night, as I lie in bed I ask myself this: How was being married today? Do I want to continue? And then I decide.

It was scary at first. I’m not going to lie. Now I find it empowering. And surprisingly eye-opening.

I’m not always the desperate and insecure one. That is certainly nice to know!

I’m still very much a work in progress. And Honey, I have a lot of work left to do. So take this as you will. If it resonates with you though, if you’ve ever been so scared about your relationship ending that it makes you shake in fear, I encourage you to give it a try.

Take back some of your power and see where your life leads you next.

 

 

 

 

 

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