Revisiting Old Anxieties

In Mistakes, I wrote how my fear of making a mistake masqueraded as a fear of falling. I wrote  how walking in snow and ice made me panic and affected my life to the point where I rarely left my home. I eventually got over myself and am now able to walk to work all winter long, sans problem.

Go me!

This happened yesterday:


Same as it does, every year.

At first, IT WAS SCARY!

The sidewalk was slick and sloppy. I felt like a newly born creature struggling to rise as I struggled to maintain my footing. In reality though I was just fine. It was my mind that was making up such nonsense. I could feel it trying to grasp for something sturdy. “Where are your poles!?” it screamed at me. ” You are going to fucking fall! ” My heart was pounding, my thoughts were racing, I was starting to panic.

But the beautiful thing was, while this was all happening. I, whoever I, is, was watching the whole event with love and great amusement.  I laughed at my mind and its tricks, slowed down…everything, my pace, my breathing, my heart rate and just focussed at the task at hand.

One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.

It was tense. My grip on my umbrella was fierce-I actually have a sore arm from gripping it so tightly, hahah- but I continued along reciting one of my favourite mantras-I am more than I appear to be. The strength and power of the world rests in me- and before too long I was stroking along, like I usually do.

It was really interesting to me to be able to see the whole thing from sort of ‘outside’ as opposed to be being 100% in it. I didn’t just react to the thoughts and emotions. I felt them…thought them…and…I don’t know. I saw them for what they were. Thoughts and feelings. My mind’s way of trying to keep me “safe”. My mind’s way of throwing a temper tantrum. My mind’s way of trying to get my attention. Which is fine…it works and is an effective evolutionary tool but it doesn’t mean I have to believe everything it says. I’m in charge here, not my mind and definitely not anxiety.

In meditation its suggested to treat thoughts that come up as if they are water, a stream and we`re on the shore, watching the water…watching the thoughts, just flow by. To be able to do exactly this in real time, in real life while in a stressful situation is supremely gratifying.

Practical too. We’ve got six more months of this shit.


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