A very dear friend of mine is going through a very bad time. Her marriage is dissolving, in a yucky way. Not that I think marriage dissalotion is particularly joyful but I do know when one is betrayed, the hurt is all the yuckier.
She is suffering. Wow is she suffering. It`s so, so hard to watch. All we can do is stand back and hold space for her as she moves through it. The urge to help or fix is strong, yet I know from recent experience there is not one damn thing we can do to make her pain go away.
That just sucks!
I’m finding her suffering triggering because while our situations are different-I was not cheated on-they are still similar in that there was a betrayal and she is hurting and reacting the same way I did. We are similar humans, I identify with her as it is already and, this is one big reminder of what happened in my life, one short year ago.
What am I feeling? Insecure and scared. Scared that our stories are going to match up at some point. Scared that my marriage is going to fail…this time for good. Scared that I made a mistake in working on my marriage instead of leaving. Scared that I`m going to be angry with myself, for staying…for allowing myself to be hurt again. Scared that I`m emotionally and financially vulnerable.
Blah blah blah.
I could sit here and describe fears to you all day. They are a zillion strong. But I know that fear lies. Like a motherfucking sidewalk. So! What do I do when I find myself triggered?
I call it `having a word with myself` and it works wonders. (More on this at a later date) I`m OK…still feeling a wee bit vulnerable and insecure but in touch with reality, the nature of uncertainty and mindful of my thoughts. Its been days since I wrote that last sentence and even now, I’m better than OK. My mental work is paying off.
The whole thing has got me wondering though. Wondering and thinking and questioning, romantic love.
There are seven plus billion people on this planet. BILLION! And us silly humans pick one, declare them ours and then live in la la land the whole time. Conveniently forgetting this other person is a real human, with real flaws. Most importantly, forgetting that we, ourselves are a real human. With real flaws. Forgetting all about impermanence. Safe and snug in our false senses of security…and then when something goes wrong we wonder why.We’re shocked and oh so devastated.
WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES!?
And why do we allow this one person out of a seven plus billion to destroy us so? To shatter us so much that we are broken pieces on the ground?
It just feels insane. From start to finish.
I’m a lover. I have a fierce and stubborn heart. I have been hurt and have hurt others too, I’m sure. I always get back up and try again. I purposely keep my heart open, even when my brain want me to clamp that fucker closed, and build a huge wall. I believe in LOVE. I want LOVE. I want to LOVE. I adore being part of a couple, I like being with another person. Yet the older I get, the less I see it as some romantic beautiful thing. Its looking more and more like a form of cultural/biological auto-masochism.
Seven billion people…and we fuck ourselves over…fuck other people over, for ONE.