My favourite thing to say to people who want to add me on Facebook is this” If you love cat memes and inspirational quotes, I’m your girl!”
It’s true. I really do like cat memes and inspirational quotes. Unapologetically.
I’m a sentimental dork with a fondness for tiny homicidal maniacs.
I like to save receipts and fun memories in a big jar to open up at the end of the year so I can remember all the awesome stuff I did. That’s a Pinterest thing, right? I love shit like that!
I also love to give each month of the year a theme. Its like my life is ruled by trite nonsense…but you know..its fun and it was really good for my mental health at the time.
February was LOVE.
March was REBIRTH.
June is my birthday month so LUNE it is! (Lael +June = Lune. I still do this. Why? Because birthdays!)
What do you think October was?
Halloween? Sure…kind of…
Death. October was Death.
I have a thing for death.
Please don’t get me wrong, I want to stay alive. Thank you very much. For as long as possible, for as long as my comfort in life outweighs my suffering. Its just that I’ve always been ..I don’t know…curious …drawn to death and how that makes us relate to life. Even as a child.
I’ve always felt that in order to live a good life, to understand this world we live in, one also needs to understand..or try to understand death.
In my sweet and naive way, I thought I had it all in the bag. Silly, silly me.
I’d had a pretty awesome life up til then. Yes, I had some challenges but nothing that ever rocked me to my core. I had a lot of privilege in my life and yet I only knew the half if it.
I thought I’d explore how the seasons die, maybe to try and kill off traits within myself that I didn’t like. Mediate on death like some Buddhist monks do. You know, very safe things that don’t really have a major impact on my life while still allowing me to feel like I was an edgy bad ass.
Oh look at me,,delving into such a dark topic..I’m so deep…hahaha.
I cringe now when I think of it because the thing about life is this, when we put something out into the Universe..the universe hears us and gives us what we ask for. In ways that we have no fucking control over. I can almost hear her now ” Oh Sweetie. You want death? Hold my beer.”
I was gobsmacked.
Now I’m sorry (not sorry) to disappoint you but nobody actually died.
I know right?
What happened was a death all the same. And it was fucking brutal to the person I was.
I experienced the sudden, completely unexpected demise of my most treasured relationship-my marriage. My twenty five year relationship. With the person I had spent my entire adult life with.
I experienced the death of my most treasured illusions, my sense of self. My worth. The very idea that I even had a healthy sense of self worth. Or a self.
My sanity, my sense of safety and security, my peace of mind, my confidence. Any and all ideas about the world, the people in my world and who I was in the world, died in October .
One year ago today actually. October 16, 2017.
It was as if the very ground beneath me crumbled and all the scrambling in the world was not enough to maintain a solid surface to stand on. The solid surface, all the tricks I’d used before to feel better, died too.
It fucked me up. I had thoughts of suicide. It triggered my C-PTSD. I was a train wreck for months and months.
Life is better now. I experienced huge growth and healing. I’m still growing, still healing.
(Us humans are amazing creatures)
The marriage is still dead. Happily. Because in retrospect it was sick and needed to die.
In its place is a new marriage. To the same person. Who is a different version of that old person. As am I.
Life continues as it does, with new challenges and lessons. I’m currently experiencing some health issues that mimic other, scarier health issues and its all got me thinking about death again.
One of the most important lessons I learned was this;
Everything changes. Everything dies. EVERYTHING! That secure job? That bomb proof marriage? Your tight ass? That perfect relationship with your best friend? Its all impermanent.
I thought I knew this…yet when something big happened in my world it was so clear that I understood shit. And you know…I have suffered more from not accepting this fact than I ever have from anything else. I see that now.
I do not wish to be smacked up side the head with it again.
You’ve heard of people having a gratitude practice?
Let me introduce you to my impermanence practice.
And because I am a big show off I’m going to document that practice here.
Along with cat memes and inspirational quotes, probably.